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An Ode to Life Mid-Virus

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Summer’s on hold, Lo! C19We douse in soap and chug caffeineThere’s much amiss this age, tis clearTo see the rate we slosh our beer.But oh, the Gods! You whine and moanOff and off on masks you droneAnd lament the loss of paper scrubsFor cleansing tushie backside rubs.‘Masks don’t work!’ you now decry‘You say to wear them, I ask why!’And on and on you whinge and thrumAbout a mask and poor, wet bum.The pantry doors did flex and bowPrepped for months with sauce and doughUpon our starchy treasure satOur needs the Post placed on our mat.We cooked and cleaned (and filled the cup!)Until our taprooms open up.And hey, the months, they now drag on -Now cooking’s dull, the zest is goneWith Pop-tarts, pizza in our handsAnd sodas on our bedtime standsWith fries and chips and ale in towWe shluff into a streaming showAnd spend an hour that turns to sixWatching gameshow games and bakers mix.We peer into our amber glassAnd all at once the worlds’ a gas!Those Lucky Charms are a feastAnd oatmeal pies - f…

NATIONAL DONUT DAY IN THE TIMES OF DOUGHVID-19

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There's a lot of stuff going on right now.
One of the less terrible ones is National Donut day. You think I forgotten. You've been in quarantine eating Takki's and drinking coffee-less Irish coffees at breakfast time. You may find yourself a little... rounder. You secretly HOPE I've forgotten.
I have not forgotten.
I have no solutions to our current problems. All I have is donuts. Maybe they can help.
In a lot of less obvious ways I'm just making up, donuts are actually fairly similar to doughVID-19. They're easy to get, they're going to make some of you feel like absolute crap, and they're increasingly found at weddings, company meetings, support groups, and potentially may be spread by raccoons and other small animals.
Think about it. Donuts are the ultimate at social isolation. They have a nice open space in the middle for social isolation purposes. You can also order them individually - and handle them without anyone ever touching them because they have …

TESLA REVIEW PART II: THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

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PART I: THE BASICS
Now we're on to the ACTUAL REVIEW! What's it like to drive a Tesla, for the average joe? I'm not a man who drives a BMW 3 series, or a Mercedes, or an Audi. Or a Lexus. Or an Acura. I don't have the latest Mazda 6 series. I have a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD Honda Accord. I imagine a large number of Tesla drivers will be coming from a similar experience - so I want to share what it's like moving from a car to an electric-powered rocket with wheels, airbags, and the most advanced cupholders I've ever seen.

Here's the car. It's smaller than I thought, has no power, and I can't get the trunk open.



As for the ACTUAL car:

First, you gotta get INTO the thing. You walk up to it with cellphone in pocket, push in on a block bit which pops the handle out, pull the handle, and climb in. So far, I've noticed that this works 95% of the time. 5% of the time, it wants a key card. So you have to pull that out, and tap it on a spot just underneath a cam…

The Electric Circuit, or an Everyman's Guide to the Electric Car

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PART I: THE MYSTERY BOX I have been driving a 2003 Honda Accord, a white one, for about ten years now. Have you ever been to a local mini-sized fair, where all the rides are really for five to ten year old children? But you decide you're obligated to go anyway, so you hop on the teacups. The teacups are stained with the vomit of hundreds of kids across a dozen years. The paint is has chipped off, so the smiling Mad Hatter now looks like the Joker, if someone told the Joker that purple striped suits were *OUT* and he cried so hard his makeup ran down to his chin. 
So you're on this old ride, toned down to make it more comfortable for the young and the elderly. Age has taken some speed from an already less than thrilling ride. You give it a few spins, but you're resigned to the fact that, at best, this ride will make you mildly nauseous. You stop spinning it and wait for it to end and watch other people walking around the park as you slowly rotate towards them, then away. Th…

The Case of the Missing Suit

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So I heard this week the Iron Man suit went missing. I have a special history with that suit. I'll include a link to the story here:
http://www.indiewire.com/2018/05/iron-man-suit-stolen-robert-downey-jr-1201962372/
Thing is, we have a history, me and Mark III. Let me tell you it.
I was super, super fortunate to have a friend working on the film. Apparently, some guy didn't show up/sucked really bad as a security production assistant (a feat which is remarkable - more on that later). Anyway, he was able to float my resume to the right person and I was in! I remember when I came in to interview, it was my first big film set, and I almost lost it. Caves! Airplanes! Tony's Stark's HOME! I felt like a kid in a candy store. The lot itself is pretty amazing – it’s the Playa Vista studios hanger – which was once the aircraft hanger where Howard Hughes designed the Spruce Goose I’m told. I was informed this was serendipitous and the location was chosen due to the obvious parall…