The Digital Domino

So this week, I had a plan - I had the opportunity to see something that NO ONE really gets to see - something that unites people all over the world - something that makes you feel small, but also somehow connected to everyone else on this orb-ish shaped rock rotating around the sun: Sakura - my favorite Japanese restaurant which just reopened about two days ago! While I was there, I also checked out the eclipse.  So, without adding much science (which I can't do anyway, because math) I will tell you that I have experienced an eclipse before - when I was in elementary school. It wasn't a total eclipse, it was a partial reason for me not to be in a classroom. I stared at a small shadow box that showed a tiny sliver of the sun, partially blocked by the moon. At the time, my pea brain was barely capable of processing everything that I'd seen. My brain is now hundreds of times more complex and beautiful, and it was equally unable to process the gravity of what was hap...

Today's adventure is a colonoscopy. Usually, I want people to laugh at these weird things that life throws at us, because they're silly. Not today. Today, I want you all to suffer with me. As such, this particular anecdote will be permeated with poo puns. You have been warned. From what I gather, colonoscopies are bad. The reason for that isn't actually the colonoscopy. Lets say you go to the doctor and he checks your prostate. You dislike this because you feel a little like maybe this Doctor has gotten a bit further into your personal space than you would like.  With the colonoscopy, you feel bad because all of the bad things you get to do to YOURSELF. If you met a grizzled veteran who'd lost a limb during a war and told him you were about to have a colonoscopy, he would look you over with his eyes, very much the same way someone might attempt to check out an attractive woman, except exactly the opposite. He looks you over as if to say, " I want to reme...

[Note: This story originated in 2016. Jack Rackham is fine.] So let's see: my CAT scan went great, I'm incredibly healthy, and my stomach hurts a bit. A few pounds less raw cookie dough per day, I guess. I'll up my exercise! I'll eat raw broccoli! It's gonna be great, and I'm never going to need another CAT scan. ...but just for shits and 'gigs, let's discuss your first CAT scan. Pretty much every visit to the doctor is a reverse lottery. You dump a lot of cash into it and you go in with the hope that you will get NOTHING. Also, the prize is literally anything from a simple scratch-off to DEATH. It all starts with a CONTRAST MEDIUM.  That sounds pretty innocuous, but really what they're giving you is almost a FULL LITER of a disgusting, creamy, hideous substance that looks very inappropriate -- not unlike a giant Coke bottle full of yesterday's lovemaking. Now, as you know, I work at a chimpanzee sanctuary. That means I know...

Ah, the cruise. The penultimate summer vacation. A trip on a cruise boat by its very nature implies beaches, sun, and good times. And I just took my first step into a larger world. As many of you know, my international travel has been very limited. The only foreign cities I have visited in my life were Mumbai, India and Detroit, Michigan. But this time, I was set to sail for the Bahamas! To set this up for you, this trip was arranged by my office – onboard the Celebration Cruise line which I can only assume was named the moment the first group of travelers disembarked from that lumbering vomitorium. But I’m getting ahead of myself talking about that tanker – let's start from the beginning. The dock was tucked away in a shipyard and industrial park which was delightfully cheery in the same way as Shawshank Prison – lots of personality: old stone walls and decorative fences with delightful flowers of barbed wire for trimming. I assume the purpose of said fences was the same as...

I went to Star Wars Celebration, and I feel the need to tell you about it and provide you with an honest, clear review of this event. You have been warned. Firstly, are you a fan of Star Wars ? I don't mean "Yes, I saw some of those. They were good." I'm not referring to the people who have seen each and every single film, some more than once. I'm not even talking to people who have a plush taun-taun, or that 'one really rad shirt from the first film in Japanese.' If you are one of these people, congratulations, you are well adjusted, have a strong appreciation for a culturally significant movie, and probably go to therapy for other reasons. Also, if you're a casual fan and live nearby, sure, give it a shot, maybe take a day trip to check some stuff out. If you wake up every morning in Star Wars sheets and eat Kellogg's C-3PO's  from a vintage 1997 Special Edition Re-Release Box with a light up lightsaber spork, DO I H...