The DoD - Donut of Destruction
[Note: This story originated in 2016. Jack Rackham is fine.] So let's see: my CAT scan went great, I'm incredibly healthy, and my stomach hurts a bit. A few pounds less raw cookie dough per day, I guess. I'll up my exercise! I'll eat raw broccoli! It's gonna be great, and I'm never going to need another CAT scan. ...but just for shits and 'gigs, let's discuss your first CAT scan. Pretty much every visit to the doctor is a reverse lottery. You dump a lot of cash into it and you go in with the hope that you will get NOTHING. Also, the prize is literally anything from a simple scratch-off to DEATH. It all starts with a CONTRAST MEDIUM. That sounds pretty innocuous, but really what they're giving you is almost a FULL LITER of a disgusting, creamy, hideous substance that looks very inappropriate -- not unlike a giant Coke bottle full of yesterday's lovemaking. Now, as you know, I work at a chimpanzee sanctuary. That means I know...