The Electric Circuit, or an Everyman's Guide to the Electric Car

PART I: THE MYSTERY BOX

I have been driving a 2003 Honda Accord, a white one, for about ten years now. Have you ever been to a local mini-sized fair, where all the rides are really for five to ten year old children? But you decide you're obligated to go anyway, so you hop on the teacups. The teacups are stained with the vomit of hundreds of kids across a dozen years. The paint is has chipped off, so the smiling Mad Hatter now looks like the Joker, if someone told the Joker that purple striped suits were *OUT* and he cried so hard his makeup ran down to his chin. 

So you're on this old ride, toned down to make it more comfortable for the young and the elderly. Age has taken some speed from an already less than thrilling ride. You give it a few spins, but you're resigned to the fact that, at best, this ride will make you mildly nauseous. You stop spinning it and wait for it to end and watch other people walking around the park as you slowly rotate towards them, then away. The ride stops, you get out, you have a beer, a hot dog that gives you inadequacy issues, and an elephant ear, then you ride it again, because outside of smelling the poo of animals mixed with deep fried Cheerios on a stick and counting how many light bulbs of each color are out, there isn't anything else to do.

*THATS* my Honda Accord. Old. Reliable. About as exciting as a PBS Special on how envelopes are made. Perhaps once, in the age of analog TV and rotary dial phones, it was a little bit interesting, but no more.

The car runs like a champ, but the tint on the windows is peeling off. My view is surprisingly obstructed. There are a few marks in the car, and while it doesn't smell bad, it doesn't smell particularly good. It has enough power to to not be a small economy box car, but none of the charm - putting the pedal to the floor makes the car look up at you and ask, "Are we doing this now? Ok, fine I guess..." And with a groan and a sigh, it moves along, one more face in the caravan of life.

Let's switch gears for a minute. A while back, I started reading about a new car. The Tesla Model S. I thought it was really neat, but it was way out of my price range.  It was incredibly fast. It was incredibly safe. It had a MASSIVE digital display instead of a bunch of gauges. It didn't need gasoline. At all - just electricity! Most importantly, it was FUN to drive!  

Since it was beyond my reach, I instead sent bunches and bunches of articles to a friend - Austin Meyer - who might be interested. Lo and behold, he got one! On my next visit, I asked to drive the car, which he happily obliged! The car was phenomenal! The roof was all glass! It felt big, and roomy, and OPEN! It was QUIET! The drive to ANYWHERE was peaceful! And most interesting of all, it had an amazing cruise control system called 'Autopilot.'  It would practically drive itself. That's some Star Trek level shit right there. After just 10 minutes, I have the following expectations about the 2020 model:

1.) The computer will explain to you that the power couplings on the negative access have been polarized, and then a 3D printer will make you a cup of Earl Gray Tea.

2.) There will be a lever I can pull that will cause the car to enter a swirling blue vortex that will open up at my destination.

3.) I will have a Wookie as a copilot

4.) Cupholders will be rendered unnecessary because a tube will drop from the roof and you'll be able to use the giant touch screen to select any beverage you can imagine, like those really awesome drink machines at newer chain restaurants. I'm hoping for Fiesty Cherry Diet Coke, but La Croix is also acceptable.

I love this thing. So Elon Musk, the space faring god-child who owns Tesla, says he's going to make a mass market car that will be mostly affordable. It will have 240+ miles of range, and it will cost only $35,000.

Elon, named, I assume, by the Head Rubaple Space Czarian of his home planet, says the car will be on order March 31st of 2016 - and that evening, he will 'unveil' it.

There is almost no information on this car - but having experienced the Model S, I decide it's time. I'm ready for the future. My current car existed before the iPhone hit, or the advent of the X-Box 360, or the idea of .mp3's became ubiquitous. There is no auxiliary input. There is no digital display. There is no computer information of any kind. Bluetooth isn't a thing. This car predates all those advancements. If 'The Flinstones' was remade today, it would take place in 2003, and the Honda would have been the funny car they drove, except with out the convertible T-Top.

So I get in line around 10:30 AM on March 31st, 2016 to put down money on a car I've never seen. There is already a huge line of insane people. Fanatical people. They are probably a bit overexcited for this car. Not unlike Jesus, people are clamoring for this thing sight unseen, however, unlike Jesus, they have a near-lust for it. It's almost like Jesus came back as hundreds of attractive strippers, now available for hire, and with cup holders.

This looked like iPhone on steroids, which surprised me. Cars are an awful big investment compared to a cell phone.

Anyway, I wait through the line, mega-excited, place my order calmly, and step out.

That night, the car is unveiled. It's not bad looking! Like all of the Tesla's, it looks like a a decent car! I've always hated the design of current hybrids and electric cars:

AUTOMOTIVE EXECUTIVE: We need a new car with a new 'vibe.'

DESIGNER: Cool. What did you have in mind?

AUTOMOTIVE EXECUTIVE: Something bold. Something NEW! Imagine... a mailbox!

DESIGNER: Go on!!!!!!

EXECUTIVE: Now, take ONE side of that, and make it SWOOP back. That'll create the illusion of SPEED.

DESIGNER: Swooping mailbox - got it! I'll add some tires and have it to you by morning!

Anyway, the event goes on - the cars look fun! They have a 0-60 time of about 5.4 seconds and a 210 and 310 mile range! That's AMAZING! The car sounds like a very slightly modified, very slightly smaller version of the Model S, which is a good thing. While I'm disappointed the handles don't jump out to meet me like they would on the Millennium Falcon, I'm more than enthusiastic about this car!

Now to play the waiting game. According to Elon, they'll be available towards the second half of 2017. I have put money down to gamble on a car, and it's paid off. I'm towards the front of the line for what will be one of the coolest things ever created - a fun, sporty electric car. I love the thing, and I'm excited for it - it's only a year away!

JANUARY 2018

I've stopped putting money into my Accord, but the Tesla is no where to be found. More information is available about the car, and it's damn near the most amazing thing I've ever seen in the universe. A few people have actually GOTTEN them, and I am insanely jealous. This thing is a WONDER!

My login says my car will be available to configure sometime between January through March.

MARCH 2018

My login says my car will be available to configure sometime between March and May. I ordered the car March 31st. It has now been two years. Their is a $7,500 tax credit for owners who receive the car before it hits the 200,000 mark. I become a human calculator, checking spreadsheets, scouring the web to see if I should get the standard car, or hurry and get the extended battery, or really do WHATEVER I can to pick this beast up. My excitement has hit a fever pitch. I have a feeling not unlike an astronaut about to enter space. I've created a playlist of music for my first drive. For about four months, I'm convinced every tank of gas will be my last.

"HA!" I think, after I pour more of the smelly, explosive liquid into the car's feed hole. "THAT should do it."

A few days later, when the needle starts pointing towards the small birthmark on my right pinky toe, I roll my car back into the station, tail tucked between my legs, and repeat the cycle.

I decided to test drive a Model S - which is a great car, HOWEVER, the salesman decides we need to see insane mode. I tell him no, I really DON'T need to see insane mode. He does insane mode. The sensation is a combination of a rollercoaster starting, a skateboard going down a steep hill, and a dozen sand bags being slowly pressed into your body, then suddenly flung away. It's fast, but also vomit inducing. I couldn't eat dinner for about 3 hours whilst my stomach traveled back up my bowels and into it's usual resting cradle.

APRIL 2018

I have researched the car to death. I have seen every YouTube video imaginable on the thing. I am now convinced I can drive the car with my eyes shut. I know the console, display, dashboard, and stitching inside and out. I can almost smell the vegan leather. I know how to operate every system, including systems my car won't have. I've seen how the battery is installed, I know where the fire department will need to cut me out in the event of an emergency, I know how the car should be towed, and I'm familiar with the roughly 15-30% panel gap misalignment issues that have plagued early cars. I have waited, I have watched. I have become excited!

And finally, after what seemed like an absolute lifetime, and after saving as much spare cash as I can possibly muster, the day arrived. It was time to configure my Model 3 - possibly the coolest piece of automotive technology in the entire universe.

PART II: GRAVITY, ENTROPY, PROVIDENCE: RECEIVING THE GIFT OF MODEL 3

April 6th, 2018 - I get an email. Now it's time to configure the Model 3. I have no interest in any bonus features, really, except for the extended battery - however, because the car is one of the early versions, and you can't change much, it does come with a few other add ons - an armrest at the center console, extra USB ports, a glass roof, and some type of seat improvement. Their are only a few things to choose.

One is the color. The other is the wheel size and rim type.

I choose the default tires and rims, as the rims add roughly 5% mileage by reducing drag on the car. For paint, I opt for Pearl White. After doing way, way too much research, I determined that pearl white (over standard white and silver) is the coolest car color, from a thermal perspective. Pearl white is highly reflective, and can reduce the ambient temperature inside the car by 20 degrees. In a battery operated car, this means less cooling, less damage to interior materials and technology, and less wear on the systems.

via: http://www.tom-morrow-land.com/tests/cartemp/

So I begin the waiting game.

MAY 2018

A VIN, or Vehicle Identification Number, is assigned to each car during the early manufacture process. In early May, I received mine! My car is being, or has just been, manufactured! It exists! The car I've thought about for probably two years, the environmentally friendly crack of lightning, intent on destroying every car in its class, now exists somewhere in the desserts of Nevada. Or Freemont, California. Or something. One of those.

I receive a tentative delivery date of the 25th - this is the same date as the movie 'Solo.' And as my current car has a license plate that says, 'My other car is the MILLENNIUM FALCON,' I decide this car must be the Millennium Falcon.

My date is changed to May 23rd. At this point, I'm restless. I'm doing my best to play it cool, but inside I'm a barrel of ninja monkeys on cocaine and Red Bull. I've seen ONE Model 3 in real life. I'm about to receive a car I've never driven, from a new manufacturer, with a drive train I'm completely unfamiliar to me.

I just have to make it a few more days...

Only I don't. On Monday, the 21st, I leave work for a much-needed Doctor's appointment. I have a terrible cold and cough that I can't seem to shake. As I leave work, I notice my engine barely turns over. I pull into the office Maintenance area to see what's going on. The folks at work confirm my alternator is dead. It has expired. This, combined with old spark plugs and a few other weak spots, has transpired to keep me out of my old car permanently.

I hop on the freeway to take the car to the mechanic. This was not unlike asking a geriatric to pilot a rocket into space - the heart was willing, but the car just wanted a long nap. My freeway speeds fluctuated wildly from about 75 miles per hour to about 50, on and off. As the engine died and gravity pulled my car down the freeway ramp, a mere tenth of a mile from my destination, I sighed. The car was now in a busy intersection. It was very hot. It was raining. I was coughing. And the police showed up. And I don't even have the juice to run the emergency flashers.

There are few places less fun to be around than in hot, pouring rain with a cough whilst battling the flu, except maybe filing your taxes.

Anyhow, the officer is extremely friendly and helpful and PUSHES my dead car to the mechanic, who pronounces it dead.

The irony that, two days before I take delivery of an electric car, it is the electrical system of my current car that has killed it. A part of me is sad. The car was unendingly reliable and a good companion. I took the best care of it I could, and it outlasted even my wildest expectations. It was a real trooper.

So now I need a lift to work - until Wednesday the 25th.

The process of picking up your car is a really neat one. They bring you into a little room with a congratulatory certificate and you sign a few papers. This takes mere minutes. Then it's on to your car, which is waiting not far away.

And just like that, you're in front of the car. It felt like a miracle - one that wouldn't have happened without a lot of saving, tons of research, and the invaluable help and support from a good friend of mine - Austin Meyer. Austin is, more or less, a software designer (specifically a flight simulator called X-Plane) and an engineer (among other things) - his support made the dream possible - and his knowledge of the the underlying systems is something we can get to later!

Even having learned every detail and little oddity online, it's still a strange experience to climb into one for the first time. I'd thought for the longest time the car would be less intuitive than the gauges and buttons I'd been used to, but in fact, the opposite is true. It's like using your iPad - it's simple. It's MORE intuitive!

I'll save the rest for a second blog post - TESLA PART II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, in which I drive a Tesla for a week, then take it from Florida deep into the mountains of NORTH CAROLINA via the supercharger network!