Pho-dough Copying Resumes
Applications, applications everywhere! I have been looking all over for fresh employment! Unfortunately, most companies fail to recognize that A.) I won Time Magazine's person of the year in 2006* (a fact I proudly include on my resume) and that B.) Supreme Lord Commander, Donut Operations is a perfectly legitimate and neigh unmatchable job title.
Don't judge me, bro! We've all worked our resume's a bit. I know how the game works. Janitor becomes 'Refuse Management Disposal Engineer.' Job descriptions can be easily improved. For example, I once sent an email to Venice - solid gold there: 'Interoffice digital communication management duties...' goes right on the resume, just under 'Playboy' and above 'Chief of Moonbase Operations.' I wish I had expanded my moonbase operations, limiting myself to only one extra-planetary endeavor was a mistake. I should have at least included Utah. Utah counts.
I guess the real secret to a good resume is figuring out what you really did, explaining that in such a way that, for example, photocopying a picture of a puppy is written as 'Digital to electrochemical information relay transfer, transmission, and database dissemination,' and then, figuring out what your new employer needs and explaining, sort of, that you did it all the time. "Sure - you need a Technology Manager, and I manage to use my iPhone every day. Except the calculator bit. I could never figure that one out."
Anyway, as I continue to pimp myself out to the highest bidder as a Intercontinental Ballistic Breakfast Executive, I realized something important: I may not have bagels and doughnuts to give anymore, but I do have a cupboard full of an inexhaustible supply of happiness - and you're welcome to take as many handfuls as you need to get through these tough times!
J. Christopher Scott
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