Who Dough-nit?

Someone assassinated one of the doughnuts.  Authorities are currently investigating.  The question is, who dough-nit?  The evidence?  Firstly, a dougnut with a big ole' hole right in the middle of it.  A sticky red jelly coated the box beneath it.  So who pulled the trigger on this whole mess?  The shady looking dude who secretly had a relationship with the butler?  The shy, but unassuming maid with the dark childhood secret?  Some guy from Montana?

I don't know.  What I do know is the best and the brightest are on the case, and if not them, the city is.  Why do they care so much? What possible reason could the police have to look into this as thoroughly as a record collector digging for a collectible UB-40* album?  The answer is easy.  POLICE LOVE DOUGHNUTS.  I don't know about you, but that brings a warm feeling to my heart, in quite the same way as the overcooked canned green beans I purchased from Sam's club one midsummer's eve have been.

So there he lays, a doughnut no longer doughlive.  He's a deadnut.  What does this mean for me?  Well, I suppose in a way this could be sort of fun - I plan to continue writing this stuff as often as I can, but now I can write about all sorts of things - there's a dark underbelly to the dinosaur shaped chicken finger market what needs investigating!  What of the McRib?  And I haven't even touched on the clear Coca-Cola they serve in Kenya. That stuff is vile in a way that only vinegar filtered through a track-star's gym sock can be.

In the meantime, I wanted to express my deepest gratitude to all of you!

You see, you guys did a fantastic job! I was a very, very happy employee - otherwise I wouldn't be able to write such unusually chipper emails (though sugar and caffeine did contribute).  Stereoscopic 3D department? Top notch.  No one can touch our quality. No one, I'll wager, ever will.  Tembo/Feature Animation?  I won't lie - I really wanted to take some of your artwork home and frame it on my wall - it was that good. Heck, I was hoping to one day create a book called, 'The Digital Doughmain - an Illustrated Anecdote.' Facilities?  Yea, we straight up flooded a few rooms, but you'd never know. Water leaking from the windows? Under the door? They were on it before you realized what had happened.  VFX?  Dude, BALL and HUD spoke for themselves. I firmly believe, however, that no ball player could throw a ball that could break several sound barriers without having consumed at least six dozen doughnuts and three of the Starbucks 'Ye Ole Barrel' or whatever the gigantic oil-drum sized coffee's they serve are called. Finance and legal, I know you. I know you gave me doughnut money, and I know you guys worked harder than anyone to keep everything running!  And last, IT/Technologies - you guys rocked hard in a way that only McGuyver could rock hard.  They gave you a piece of gum that had already been chewed, a used tire, a half a snicker's bar, a half liter of whiskey, and some copper wire and you'd come back with two computers, a mouse, and also mysteriously a pounder bag of M&M's and two 8 gigabyte sticks of memory. Cudos to you guys!

So yea, if someone made a mistake somewhere along the line, it wasn't any of us. We were awesome.  We continue to be awesome. And you know what? In six months, I'm going to have friends at EVERY. SINGLE. MAJOR. STUDIO.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll find a spot as a writer on a breakfast food blog. Maybe I'll write scripts or books. Maybe I'll be a producer.  Maybe I'll be a pool boy for some wealthy old lady down in Palm Beach.  One thing I will be for sure is a guy with a ton of really, really awesome friends who put on a brave, brave face during incredible adversity and equally incredible colleagues who did things I didn't know were possible, especially if they had a few slices of pizza and a pony keg of the good stuff. And some copper wire.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UB40 Band was  named thusly: UB40 stood for Unemployment Benefit, Form 40