Battleship Oranges


Friday, July 15th, 2011

Another Friday, another Fruit Day.

    It's been another long week, but we have once again persevered. And this week, I bring you tidings of fresh fruits and donuts.  I get a lot of requests for things: Watermelons, frosting covered sugar bombs, Buzz Cola, Pepto-Bismol.  I try my best to bring in the very greatest, freshest fruits!  Heck, I almost brought in a watermelon - no knives or cutting/slashing tools of any kind - only a watermelon - just to watch people try to slice and consume it, but I knew deep down someone would cut themselves trying to open it with a stapler* or something, and that wouldn't be fun.

 In the end, we have oldies but goldies, starting with:

●Golden Delicious apples, which aren't really golden, are they?  Delicious yes, but they're red apples - are they golden when ripe or held to the light? I don't know!
●Blueberries... which are not, nor have never been, blue.  'nuff said.
●Oranges - thankfully, the color is right, but they aren't ever called oranges!  They're navals (which I assume is a battleship based orange used for fighting scurvy on the high seas) or orangutans, or some such.  What do the words mean?!?  I don't know!  I grab one. I hold it to the light, I check to see if they are transparent or something.  I squish it.  If it feels like an orange (they always do) I grab em', and they get eaten fast. Super fast.  Like, twice the speed of thought.
●What about Fuji apples? Are they grown on the slopes of mount Fuji? It's  super cold up there.  Like, ICE BOX cold.  Crazy people climb up that mountain for fun, but I really don't think they bring apples back with them!
●And the bananas  Some people like yellow with spots! - If they have spots, they're ripe! Spots good! Some people don't like spots, they like green - Spots bad! Spots good? Spots bad?  Yellow? Green? It's like two fruits!  But wait... if an apple has spots, it's mutant.**  Whatever! Banana is a ridiculous word*** anyway!
●And pears should come in pairs! It seems so obvious!  But instead, they are a single strange, light bulb-shaped fruit.
●Also grapes - we eat them, but as a mad scientist, I know that you can create super-heated plasma using grapes****, and relatively small amounts of microwave radiation - and we eat those?!?

   Anyhow, we have freshly squeezed granola bars, several kinds of apples, vine-ripened donuts, seedless muffins, and 100% all natural hand-picked bagels, grown in the mists of Tibet by secret ninja monks* - only they know the secret to successfully growing bagels.

*Red Swingline staplers offer the very finest in staple technology in an attractive, hot-rod red package.
**Like the weird mini ones - plantains or something. What ARE THOSE?
***Like Uzbekistan.  Who invented that country name?  Probably Anglebert Humperdink.
****I also now know better than to provide you an explanation as to how this is done.  Do not make plasma with company grapes. Company grapes are for eating.

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