Chris-Dough-Fer Scott Delivery Service

Friday, February 24th, 2012

You know, I recently ordered a television from an online retailer I'm lead to believe is in the jungle somewhere.  The box arrived safely, however the television I ordered did not - it looked like someone took a hammer to the middle of the screen. I take some small comfort in knowing that someone, somewhere, thought even my T.V. would look better as a bagel.

The incident, however, got me to thinking about how things are delivered - so I thought I'd explain the process of bagel delivery to you:

A group of bakers head down to the docks with wrapped dough in plastic and throw it into the ocean (Some of it isn't wrapped. That's where the 'salt' bagels come from).  As they sink, the enormous pressure* crushes  the bagels into form, whilst the yeast causes them to expand into delicious rings.  Once enough air as been generated by the yeast and the bagels have been formed and cooked by the intense ocean pressure, the bagels begin to rise - more and more quickly over time.  Soon, they shoot out of the sea much like a submarine emerging from the depths! A group of crack-shot harpoonists, including Mr. Ned Land, whom Jules Verne led me to believe is the king of Harpooners, fire harpoons into dead-centers of the bagels exploding out of the ocean.  Anything that's been missed becomes a bun or Focaccia or some other, lesser bread product.

These are then collected on board the hovercraft** and brought back to the dock side and tossed into large collection bins filled with sesame, garlic, or other delicious toppin's (so called because they're applied after they rise from the ocean).

These are then loaded onto large, unlabeled government trucks (lest someone know the contents and attempt to steal them; bagel bandits are a real problem) and ferried (metaphorically speaking) to your local vendor.  There, a special agent like myself collects them for distribution to all of you!

There you have it! That's how bagels get to you, or at least a rough, slightly embellished proximity of the process!

Now go enjoy one!

*pier pressure

** Crack-Shot Harpoonists don't ride on boats.  They're above them.