Pop-Culture

Friday, July 8th, 2011

Earlier this week, I was cleaning my hands with... and this is completely true... Chocolate Creme Donut anti-bacterial hand gel given to me as a gift, and I decided something. I am donut-ed out. I had gone from doughnut to dough-not. I needed a break. I needed something from my childhood. Some food that could never, ever possibly go wrong.*  Pop-Tarts, which I believe in my heart of hearts Oompa Loompa's help create.

And then I got to thinking: what do they say about you?  Are you a frosted or unfrosted person?  Do you prefer toasted or cold? What if the frosting caramelizes in the toaster? And just how toasted? Soft n' warm or molten-lava hot? Do you pull the edges off and eat them first or hate them? In other words, are you an edgy person?  'Pop-Tarts and You:Don't be a Square - Be a Rectangle.' That book would sell a million copies.**

The history of these toaster pastries is as rich as a Double Chocolate Pop-Tart (my personal favorite).  They were originally created by Post (not Kellogg) in 1963 under the appetizing banner of 'Country Squares.'  However, Kellogg used their magic to create an animated toaster and called them Pop-Tarts. In short, sugary treat + animated toaster = $$$.  They were so popular, they couldn't keep them in stock!  People battled for Pop-Tarts. That's real history.  Best of all, the frosting came later - in 1967, but not just for flavor.  No, that would be too easy.  The frosting acts as a heat shielding, allowing for more robust toasting abilities. That's right.  You're not just eating a delicious sugary treat, you're eating heat-ray proof Pop-Tart body armor***!

Since their inception in 1963, they have become approximately 7,283% more awesome.  Consider, if you will,Exhibit A:

In 2001, the United States airdropped 2.4 million Pop-Tarts into Afghanistan during the U.S. invasion.  Let's step back for a minute and bask in the warm, toastery glow of that last sentence - a mere ten years ago, our country, the U.S., loaded enough Pop-Tarts to feed a (small) vfx company into what I presume was multiple flying airships, out of which they pushed 1.76oz. (or, for the rest of the world, 50 grams) x 2.4 MILLION**** toaster pastries, which then parachutedto safety. No other pastry has done so much for its country.*****  BONUS POINTS:  I bet you can set em' on a hot rock during a summer afternoon in Afghanistan and they'll self-toast.  Amazing.

A final note: In 1994, a Texas A&M University Corpus Christi professor successfully demonstrated that if you leave a Strawberry Pop-Tart in the toaster too long, it can, in fact, generate flames over a foot high.  As such, do not leaveyour Pop-Tarts unattended.  Save your flame-throwing toaster experiments for home.

As always, your notes of thanks are much appreciated and shared with management weekly!  Thanks for lending a helping hand, keeping the kitchen clean, and making our Friday A.M. meals so successful!

*Like Stay-Puft Marshmallows. Foods that transform into Kong-sized monsters = fun.

**I probably wouldn't buy one

***Will not protect against bullets, rocks, any other known form of projectile, or heat.  Possibly they will protect from a small, light breeze in a tiny area.

****I punch those numbers into my calculator and it makes a happy face.

*****Maybe donuts have done so much for us, as a country.