Donut RAID


Friday, September 30th, 2011

Welcome to another autumn Friday.

   As is custom in these lands, Donuts have been provided. And as we all know, nothing holds a candle to a good doughnut.*  But I'm not here to talk about those today. I'm here to talk about pest control.  Ever since 1920, when Adolph Levitt (a Russian refugee and clearly a brilliant mad scientist) invented the first doughnut machine, I believe the world has become a better place.  Not just because we have feastacular glazed goodness to enjoy, but for another, more urgent reason: Pest control.

  When I arrived in Florida, I was attacked mercilessly about the head, neck, and ankles.  By the dreaded culiseta longiareolata. The Mosquito. However, of recent, I've noticed less of the mosquitoes, or lessquito.**  Which seems impossible. I'm pretty sure over 327,482 mosquitoes (at least) have feasted on me. But now there are less!  How could this be? Then I had an epiphany.  Donuts have saved me.  I eat donuts. Mosquitoes feast upon me repeatedly. Mosquitoes, become lethargic, fall to the ground in sugar comas. When they awake, I believe they shuffle off to the nearest Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' location for sweeter, cinnamon twist flavored people, thus making all of us less mosquito'd.

  Imagine - though, the implications!  Raccoons too full of donut to climb on top of your garbage pails.  Squirrels hanging tight outside Tim Horton's, sleeping off a krueller.  Perhaps, if donuts were thrown into the ocean, we could be rid of other pests.  Jelly donuts may even have been designed as food for those oddly shaped stinging critters with gnarly stinging tentacles.*** Follow me on this one - what do we call fish food? FISH FOOD.****  Jelly donuts are for jellyfish. Clearly.  

     Perhaps, once fed, they'd head someplace deep and dark and far away - like the Mariana trench, and just sleep it off while we all catch waves on our surfboards and boogie boards and storyboards!
Or we could just eat them!

See you in the kitchen!

*Well, maybe a birthday candle for someone...
**Presented to you for immediate integration into local vernacular.
***I think we called them politicians in Los Angeles.
****Fish bait doesn't count.  Bait is for catching. Fish food is for feeding fishes.

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