The Donuts Strike Back


Friday, August 3rd, 2012

In contemporary pastryology circles, no theory is as hotly contested as Descartes “Ringed Pastry” Postulate which argues that any breakfast pastry is exponentially more enjoyable when shaped like a ring.  Time and time again, this theory has been scrutinized by top names in the pastry business, with inconclusive results.  Ring shaped cakes?  Mostly more awesome.  Ring shaped fruitcakes?  Just too close to tell.
 
According to the National Association of Dramatic Facts*, more donuts are surpassing technology as the staple by which scientific discoveries are measured.  In fact, they exist more in the realm of science fiction than fact, something I discovered watching ‘Star Wars.’
 
Think about it.  Luke PieStalker spends all his time worrying about some guy named Darth Tater.  Meanwhile, his mentors, Doughda and some other guy, Doughbi Wan something or other, is constantly reminding him to ‘use the forks.’  The Dough Star? A giant donut hole.  Star Doughstroyers?  Out to stop donuts everywhere. Doughba Fett?  Bounty hunter out to grab doughnuts.  From Han Doughlo, or something. Who’s ship greatly resembles both a hamburger and a donut, remarkably.  And there was something about a large fellow named Java, which is lovely with said pastries.  In fact, I believe there were quite a few little Java’s running around in the desert – an awful warm beverage for a desert planet.  Where were the iced Java’s, I wonder?  Some of us like it Hoth.  This information, I believe, brings us one step closer to understanding the nature of our universe:  Doughnuts are delicious, and we should eat them.
 
Perhaps I overstated the whole ‘nature of the universe’ bit.  But perhaps it is a good indicator of why we love donuts:  They’re made out of all the good stuff we love – from asteroid fields of sprinkles to cool, white icing of the planet Hoth.  Perhaps a bit of sugar, and you have a treat that any cut-rate advertising mogul would describe as ‘out of this world’ but I would simply characterize as heavenly.
 
*Facts sold seperately

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