Bagel of the Lands


Friday, May 25th, 2012

On our planet, there is a country. A country with a very weird name - Uzbekistan.  In Uzbekistan, there is a city.  Beside that city, there is a park.  Next to the park, there is a building. Outside of the building is car.  Inside the car is a hot, hot dashboard. On that dashboard is a melted chocolate bar. Next to the melted chocolate bar is a big book.  Inside the big book, there is an even smaller book hidden Shawshank-style.  Inside of that book is a gum wrapper.  Inside that gum wrapper is probably a stick of gum.  But BESIDE the gum wrapper is a paragraph.  In that paragraph is a sentence - a sentence that answers the question: "What is the meaning of life?"  In that sentence, you will find the following word:

BAGEL.

Anyway, that should clear a few things about existence up for you.

  But I'm not here to talk about how things were. I'm here to talk about how they WILL BE.  Next Friday is NATIONAL DONUT DAY - perhaps the single greatest holiday of all time.  I think it's telling that, given the historical roots of donuts in the military in World War I (see here) .  In any case, this will be a day of Special Magnificence.*  Oh, yes. I have plans.  I encourage everyone to bring your favorite DONUT THEMED TREATS! There will be donuts!  There will be a couple special surprises!  It will be FANTASTIC!

In any case, I look forward to seeing you all there!  Dough'nt miss it.  Ye be warned.

*As Bilbo Baggins once said, it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple donut.  Maybe that's the meaning of life.  If so, it's a good meaning.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Star Wars Celebration Orlando 2017, or What It's Like When a Nerd Takes Acid

Image
I went to Star Wars Celebration, and I feel the need to tell you about it and provide you with an honest, clear review of this event. You have been warned. Firstly, are you a fan of Star Wars ? I don't mean "Yes, I saw some of those. They were good." I'm not referring to the people who have seen each and every single film, some more than once. I'm not even talking to people who have a plush taun-taun, or that 'one really rad shirt from the first film in Japanese.' If you are one of these people, congratulations, you are well adjusted, have a strong appreciation for a culturally significant movie, and probably go to therapy for other reasons. Also, if you're a casual fan and live nearby, sure, give it a shot, maybe take a day trip to check some stuff out. If you wake up every morning in Star Wars sheets and eat Kellogg's C-3PO's  from a vintage 1997 Special Edition Re-Release Box with a light up lightsaber spork, DO I H...
Read more

TESLA REVIEW PART II: THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Image
PART I: THE BASICS Now we're on to the ACTUAL REVIEW! What's it like to drive a Tesla, for the average joe? I'm not a man who drives a BMW 3 series, or a Mercedes, or an Audi. Or a Lexus. Or an Acura. I don't have the latest Mazda 6 series. I have a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD Honda Accord. I imagine a large number of Tesla drivers will be coming from a similar experience - so I want to share what it's like moving from a car to an electric-powered rocket with wheels, airbags, and the most advanced cupholders I've ever seen. Here's the car. It's smaller than I thought, has no power, and I can't get the trunk open. A model Model 3. If I paid it to wear clothes, It would be a model model Model 3. As for the ACTUAL car: First, you gotta get INTO the thing. You walk up to it with cellphone in pocket, push in on a block bit which pops the handle out, pull the handle, and climb in. So far, I've noticed that this works 95% of the time. 5% of the time...
Read more

Breaking the Fast

     As the days pass by, one after the other, it becomes increasingly difficult to do basic things like wake up, shower, dress, pay bills, and maintain consciousness for more than sixty minutes at a time.   After a while, your log begins to look something like this: "Day 51 - The beer supply is dwindling and we've run out of twinkies.  Beard length has reached dangerous proportions.  Sandwiches and morale have both reached critically low levels. We may have to eat the dog."    Many of us have been there, distraught, seemingly without hope, wondering if, as time went by, you could easily determine which of your pets would be the least tough and stringy.  But lets not discuss pets. Lets talk about YOU.  What have you been doing to stay on track?  You're learning how to work in adverse environments right now.  Especially if you've EVER, even ONCE attempted to navigate the abysmal unemployment website. It truly is terr...
Read more