A Fist Full of Donuts


Friday, April 27th, 2012

A week ago at this time, I was in Texas* - far, far from the comforting breakfast foods I've become so comfortably associated with (an unfair characterization, as I also have a keen interest in the brewing of ales and the baking of cakes).  While there, I attempted to discover quite a few interesting breakfast-things and gained a better understanding of the laws of physics.

Allow me to explain.  I visited a lovely shop called 'Baker's Ribs' (also a shop called the Beef Jerky Outlet - yes it's real, but that's a story for another email).  This was a lovely shop that sold what I imagine is the quintessential Texan breakfast food: The Fried Pie.  A fried pie is essentially an 'elephant ear' or funnel cake filled with one or more of the following: Blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, chocolate, vanilla, fairy dust, magic beans, pecans, various meats (not jerky).  To the eye, these are beautiful, glittering treats - and yes, they can be eaten all too quickly.  Suddenly there's a delicious fried pie in front of you and suddenly it's vanished in glimmer of sugary dust, not unlike Tupac's hologram at Coachella last week.  Word to the wise - everything is bigger in Texas.  Where as in Florida we eat donuts for breakfast, in Texas, they eat a WHOLE PIE WRAPPED IN DONUT AND FRIED.

It is upon the consumption of said glorious treat that I discovered an interesting element of Fried Pies. Once I had eaten said pie, I was unable to move - literally locked into place. I was able to watch as other people came and went, but only as an observer looking out to the world around me, unable to interact with it.  And that's when it hit me: a stunning physics revelation like Newton's Apple to the head, except it was a pie to the gut:

Man and Fried Pie where not meant to, neigh, cannot, occupy the same space at the same time.  It violates some unwritten law of nature somewhere.  So yes, Texas is an awesome place where donuts are made by skewering fried dough rolls with the pointy end of a Texas Longhorn, but it is also a physics vortex you may never be able to escape due insurmountable pies.

So I think I'll stick with the light, fluffy donuts - a health food compared to the gut busting Fried Pie's of Texas.  Of course, if a key lime fried pie came along, I might have to break the blood-oath I swore to the donut deities and have another!

*Special thanks to the E.M.S. Brett Tartarkin.  Donut days can not be missed!  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  Or the one.

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